Sunday, March 23, 2008
How To Handle A Verbal Attack
Unfortunately, I was involved in a verbal attack by my daughter yesterday. Without going into details, I can tell you I was shocked, devestated and speechless. The attack was in public, unreasonable and although somewhat typical of a teenagers frustrations, it was not my daughters typical behavior. Hours after it happened, I was still going over and over in my mind the events that led up to it, trying to understand why it happened and of course, wondering why in the world I didn't feel that I had responded appropriately. I thought of a lot of things I thought I should have said, things that I had wished I'd said but after awhile it became clear to me that by walking away without responding in the same manner, was indeed the best possible solution to the situation at that time. All of this made me realize that I really don't know how to handle a verbal attack. I wanted to share this with you because I did a little research and found that I am not the only one apparently with this issue. I found a website that looked quite interesting. Why You Need To Master Verbal Attacks I decided to write about this subject because of a coincidental situation that occured on a blog that I read daily. It was a post that was political in nature and drew in some controversial comments. In some ways I felt that the owner of the blog as well as some of the other commenters were being abused by one particular commenter. The situation was handled rather well, and I was impressed by the maturity and self restraint that was exhibited. I would really love to start a conversation about this subject, so please take a look at the website, and share your thoughts and opinions on this in the comment section.
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Interesting. Ever read a book called Verbal Judo? I think that's the name, but it has been awhile. Decent read, as I recall.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link.I am a Correctional Officer.And need to
ReplyDeleterespond must of the time to verbal stuff.we get training for the physical assaults but very little for verbal assaults.
Interesting site- I would never have thought of this had you not brought it up. I have used the baroque response before, just to get rid of someone, but I don't get inot too many verbal attacks, I usually just walk away to keep them from escalating.
ReplyDeleteFor those interested, I found another article Here
ReplyDeleteMurph - Thanks for the lead... I just ordered it on Amazon. I found some of the book Here
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to ask my director if management might consider using it in some kind of training for us.
FD -I was thinking the same thing. You might want to check out the book Murph recommended.. especially being in the line of work that you are!
ReplyDeleteJim - I thought that I was doing the right thing by walking away, but according to most info I've seen, walking away is sending the message to the attacker that he/she has won and reinforces you as a victim. Boy, do I have a lot to learn.
Murph said it before I could-Verbal Judo. Check your local community college's law enforcement division, they generally have a con-ed type course on it-it's a great one. You sound like me, Foxy-we dodge verbal bullets all day long and deal with escalating situations with calm and professionalism without raising a hair. Worst comes to worse, we finish the call, turn to the person at the next console, say &*$# &*$#& &*#@$&*($!!!!!!! and then we're done with it, and have forgotten about it 5 minutes later. Because it's not personal. Outside of work, forget it, it's personal to me. It's hard to apply what we use all day long to our personal lives. Ironic, no?
ReplyDeleteHi KV- yeah I was definately caught off guard, but later on after the "cooling off" period I was able to EXPRESS myself in a way that COMMUNICATED my displeasure in such a way that the CONSEQUENCES were immediately understood! Thanks for the tip on the college classes.. I'll check it out.
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of the old Kenny Rogers song "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away..."
ReplyDeleteWhile teaching secondary public school, I learned to ask "why is this happening at this moment?" With teen-agers things often get emotional fast, but sometimes they are trying to prove something - especially if their peers are looking on. Sometimes you can give them room to "re-think" what they just said or "work through it", but sometimes you have to stand your ground because you are in a contest for authority - they have drawn a line and they are waiting to see if you will step across it for the fight.
Wow, I could do a whole post on this subject. I come from a family of verbal fighters, but I have tried to change that in my life. Words are so damaging. At least on a blog, you have time to think before you post. Probably the best advice I know is not to sink to your opponent's level.
Lou you really brought it "home" for me... I come from a long line of hold-it-in-don't-show-your-feelings kind of family. I never saw my parents fight, nor anyone in my family for that matter. I am not a fighter, verbally or physically. I did overcome the tendency to "hold it all in" (after I stew a bit and calm down I am able to communicate my feelings) but I never got over the fear of CONFRONTATION. (lack of experience). I think I'm the perfect candidate to read this Verbal Judo book! I agree with you, "words ARE mightier than the sword"!
ReplyDeleteWell first I am sorry that you had to be part of what I am sure was a very embarrasing moment for you. I hope all has been resolved. Thanks for the site.
ReplyDeleteKojak - I think I was more shocked and hurt, than embarrassed. The fact that I am trained to respond to emergic, unsettling situations in a non-emotional, logical way did not help me at all when the attack was personal. My daughter and I did eventually resolve the matter. However, I realized that I could benefit from some further training!
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